Healing and Hungry: Current Struggles

It’s been awhile.

It’s been a couple months of quite a bit of growth for me.

Heartache, laughter, learning, struggles, good books, long drives and cooler weather.

And frankly as the seasons changed, a lot in my life changed as well. And with change, came along new eating disorder recovery struggles.

Recovery is not linear. Right now I feel frustrated by that statement.

I’ve been struggling with food boredom and just nothing sounding appetizing.

It sucks.

I am hungry but feel like I am forcing myself to eat because I know I have to. I don’t feel like I am enjoying the food I am eating. I get grossed out by it halfway through the meal.

And let me tell you, it is so discouraging.

The other day I went to the grocery store and felt completely lost. I could feel the anxiety building up as I turned through each aisle and nothing caught my attention. I felt the tears forming in my eyes.

The thing is that I do not want to go back to my eating disorder. That’s actually the last thing I want to do. It robbed me of joy and made me feel so lonely. Which is why this current situation is making me so upset. I’ve made so much progress this year and do not want to take any steps backwards.

But here is what I have realized after talking to my therapist and dietitian. Just because I am going through this period of food boredom and getting “the ick” from most foods, does not mean I am sliding back to my old eating disorder habits. It shows me quite the opposite actually.

I am very aware that I am going through a hard time with food, yet I am also very aware that I still need to eat to fuel my body and that I have zero interest in feeding the disorder.

To me, that shows a lot of progress and resiliency.

If this was happening to me at the start of this year, I would’ve taken it as the perfect opportunity to restrict more and continue on my path of self destruction.

I’ve been using mechanical eating (when you eat bite after bite of food until the meal is completed at structured times) to make sure I am still getting the nutrients I need throughout the day. With adding joyful movement back into my day to day life, it is even more important for me to fuel my body properly so I can become the strongest version of myself.

Now, why am I telling you about this?

Two reasons.

The first one being that I want people that are experiencing this to know that they are not alone and it does not necessarily mean they are going to relapse. Obviously you need to make the daily commitment to recovery but just because food boredom has struck you, it doesn’t mean the walls are closing in on you. Reach out for help and make sure you have open communication with your team on what you are experiencing so they can help you with the next best steps.

The second reason is that I thought it would be a good idea for each of you to leave a snack or meal idea that you are currently really enjoying in the comments. You can leave it below on this post or on whatever social media you saw this blog pop on for you. I figured that once I get a good list I could compile it and share it with you all on the next blog post. That way, you are helping me get excited about food again but also anyone that stumbles across this blog and needs a bit of extra help.

I’ll go first!

I’ve really been liking Black Bean burgers! You can easily find some in the freezer section of your local grocery store, throw it on a bun and some toppings and there ya go! Add a side, like carrots and ranch and call it a day. Quick and easy.

I guess there is also a third reason why I am sharing this with you all. It wouldn’t be fair to make my recovery journey public and only share the high points of it. So here I am, at somewhat of a low point being transparent because it’s what I owe you, and most importantly myself.

So thank you for listening, and I hope this encourages you to keep on fighting.

SONG FOR POST: See You Through My Eyes by The Head and The Heart