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Healing and Hungry: Little Miss. Joyful Movement

  • Writer: amaral8natalia
    amaral8natalia
  • Aug 9, 2022
  • 4 min read

I grew up as a dancer.


I started around the age of four and continued until I was a sophomore in high school.


I also dabbled in other activities here and there.


Horseback riding, swimming, tennis and gymnastics were all sports I also gave a try but ultimately I stuck with dance.


I was an active child. I enjoyed moving my body and pouring my soul into something I loved. If for some reason I stopped enjoying a certain sport and it didn’t make me happy anymore, I sought out one that did.


After quitting dance in high-school, I was scared that the lack of activity in my life would cause me to gain weight. That fear made me start going to the gym and become strict with my eating habits and exercise.


I saw food and exercise as an IN and OUT table. I always chased for the total of the day to either be negative or even. I never wanted my IN column to be greater than my OUT column.


That quickly became a dangerous game.


I would walk on the treadmill and watch the calorie counter on the screen gradually go up. I would make a mental note of how many calories I had eaten for breakfast and when the calorie counter reached that number I felt accomplished.

I was satisfied knowing that I burned as many calories that I took in and that my net total for the day was zero.


When I headed to college I was so terrified to gain the “freshman 15”.


Gosh what a stupid concept. Why is that even something we say?


That fear caused me to restrict my intake even more. The more I restricted the weaker I became. And it became harder to go to the gym. I had no energy left in me.


That's when I decided it was time to change how I accomplished to stay in a small frame.


I turned away from the gym and focused on restricting, that way even if my IN column was greater than my OUT, it was still such a small number I wouldn’t gain weight.


And as you all know, that is something I continued doing until March of 2022.


Right before being hospitalized I had decided to start training for a half-marathon.


Why? Great question. I hate running. It makes zero sense to me too.


This had been the most amount of physical activity I had done in awhile. And I was weaker than I ever was.


It hurt to run. My bones ached.


Not long after I started training I started to feel hurt. My knee hurt with every step I took. My body was telling me to stop and I just didn’t want to listen.


The picture I am trying to paint for you is that I never had a good relationship with exercise after I quit dance in high school. I never understood when people said that exercise was such a stress relief for them.


It caused me more stress because the whole time I would be subtracting numbers and thinking about how I wanted my body to look.


Let’s fast forward to when I was going through treatment.


It is a very delicate process. Weight restoration was vital for me during this time.


And with that came rules.


I had a meal plan to follow and was not allowed to do any movement other than ADLs (activity of daily living). It didn’t bother me at first, and I understood why it was so important to not do any activity that would only cause me to move in the opposite direction.


But eventually the weather started to get better and I wanted to participate on these “hot girl walks” too. I just wanted to move my body.


That is when I learned about joyful movement.


The concept of just moving your body to release stress and let your mind clear. Not to achieve a certain body type/weight.


Seems so simple, I know.





I wanted to do it so badly but I still wasn’t allowed to because I had not reached my goal weight that my providers had established for me.


Let’s fast forward to now.


I have reached and maintained my goal weight range since I got out of treatment in May. I was also cleared to incorporate movement into my life.


But I was scared to. I wasn’t sure how to bridge that gap between treatment and normal life. I think it’s something that isn’t really talked about in the eating disorder community. We are not really told how to add back joyful movement to our lives without feeling out of control.


Recently I started going on “hot girl walks” again to clear my mind and it has felt great.


It felt amazing to just move my body for that simple reason and not for not recovery focused reasons.


I felt like I wanted something more though.


I wanted to sweat. Feel sore. Feel strong.


This is when I was introduced to hot Pilates.


IT. IS. AMAZING.


I mean it’s incredibly hard and I feel like a noodle after but it is truly something I look forward to.


Not only do I love the workout but I love the mindset I have behind it.


I don’t think about how many calories I’m burning or how this is going to make my body look.


I go because I want to feel strong. Both mentally and physically.


I want to move my body to be able to get out of my head. To allow myself 45 minutes to focus on myself and let go of the things that trouble me outside of that studio.


It just makes me feel so happy.


I never thought I would have such a healthy relationship with movement again. I never thought I would exercise for just the pure enjoyment of getting up and moving around.


I challenge you to fall in love with a physical activity and just do it for the sole reason of making yourself happy.


I challenge you to wake up early and go move your body because you want to, not because you have to.


And lastly, I challenge you to go move your body because you like the way it makes you feel, and not just because of the way it makes you look.


SONG FOR POST: Save Myself by Ed Sheeran














 
 
 

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