Healing and Hungry: Body Neutrality

It’s officially swimsuit season. A season I dreaded way more this year than I have ever have. A lot of my dread stemmed from fear; fear of trying to find a swimsuit that would fit my nourished body; fear of guessing the wrong size and being disappointed that I didn’t fit into the swimsuit; fear that I would no longer look good in a swimsuit. There are many hard things about recovering from an eating disorder.

But one of my biggest struggles has been body image. The process of having to give away items that I adored from my closet because I no longer could zip them was way harder than I anticipated. I remember at the start of my journey, my therapist asked me how my body image was. I looked at her and explained that it was currently fine, but I knew that as soon as I started to weight restore, that would quickly change. And boy was I right. I found that one of the things that helped me the most was getting rid of all the items I could no longer wear. Keeping them in my closet only suggested that one day I planned on fitting in them again. I truly do not plan on that. Keeping them hidden in my closet only fed the reminiscences of my eating disorder. “Body neutrality” has likewise helped me combat my insecurities. Most know about body positivity. Although that is great, it is not realistic for me at this moment. Body positivity would require me to look in the mirror and say that I love my cellulite and that my legs are beautiful no matter what. I felt like I was lying to myself. I didn’t love the cellulite on my body so why am I trying to convince myself that it is my new favorite part about me. It felt fake. In treatment we learned about body neutrality. Body neutrality is far more achievable at this moment. The idea is simple: you don’t have to love your body every day. And you don’t have to love every part of it. Instead, you recognize the remarkable things your body does for you. It’s a focus on ability instead of physical characteristics. You appreciate the things your body does FOR you. For example: I love my legs because they help me run. It seems silly but re-framing this way has helped me tremendously. The pressure of loving my body every second of every day was no longer on my shoulders. One of my insecurities currently is my tummy pooch. I would get so critical of myself and loath that section of my body. Practicing body neutrality has helped me realize that my tummy pooch means a whole lot more to me than I ever thought. It symbolizes the fact that I can now go out and get pizza with my boyfriend and truly enjoy the meal and his company. It symbolizes being able to go out with my friends to a Mexican restaurant and actually order a meal instead of having chips and salsa as my meal. It symbolizes being able to go on a late night milkshake run with my best friend and not restrict the next day. It symbolizes going to a coffee shop with a friend and being able to enjoy a croissant together. It symbolizes being able to eat a donut at work when someone brings some in. I don’t love how my tummy pooch looks but I love what it does for me. It brings me freedom to enjoy my life and the amazing food that comes along with it.

SONG FOR POST: Girl On Fire by Alicia Keys