Healing and Hungry: A Battle with Yourself

Oh my goodness, you’re so much happier and vibrant Nat!

*shoutout to my anti-anxiety and antidepressant medications*

For some reason I still try to keep that part of my life mostly a secret. Sometimes I feel like there is still so much stigma around medications.

But why?

Why do I sometimes feel ashamed or judged for needing a little extra help?

The thoughts of feeling broken often circulate my mind.

So many people go their whole life not experiencing major anxiety and depressive episodes.

But why do some of us feel trapped in exactly that?

My battle with anxiety has been ever changing over the years. When I was younger I struggled with an unproportional fear towards weather. Through therapy, I eventually was able to overcome those thoughts. I went through a good part of my childhood being symptom free. Of course I had some anxious thoughts, but there is in fact a healthy level of anxiety. The problem is when it becomes something that overpowers your thoughts and affects your quality of life.

Throughout college I was able to manage my anxiety fairly well.

I say fairly because although I had positive coping skills, I also used my eating disorder to cope.

We all know how that turned out.

I don’t think I started to experience extremely difficult bouts of anxiety until I was out of college.

I graduated college in May of 2020. A time when the world was vastly changing due to the COVID-19 pandemic.The pandemic itself, caused anxiety in most. I also started my nursing career at the peak of it. My 1st job out of college was in an ICU and I didn’t effectively cope with things I saw at work and outside of work. I would come into work feeling anxious and lost. Looking back now, working the night shift also messed with my emotions and furthered my anxious thoughts.

Night-shift made me feel lonely. I would look out the windows at night and see no cars on the road. I felt like I was the only one awake and I was missing out on the life most people were having while I was spending the day sleeping.

That situation brought on a lot of anxiety.

I moved to Cincinnati in August of 2021 and started a job in another ICU. By then I had acquired some new coping skills and was able to control my emotions better. I also had 1 year of nursing under my belt and felt more confident. I finally felt at ease.

Sometime in the end of 2021 and the start of 2022 I no longer was dealing with my anxiety in a productive way. I was deep in my eating disorder which was only causing me to feel worse. I experienced lightheadedness, heart palpitations, headaches, fatigue and lack of motivation.

My morning routine consisted of waking up, crying while getting ready, taking a bite of food, losing my appetite, throwing the food away, forcing a smile and going about my day.

It was miserable.

It was exhausting.

I fooled most but not some and eventually was recommended to go to therapy. They then started me on anti-anxiety medication after much deliberation.

At first I didn’t notice a difference other than the annoying side effects. My mouth was constantly dry, I was nauseous and experienced vertigo.

For a while I didn’t see any improvement. I was told that sometimes it got worse before it got better. It was a waiting game.

Somewhere along the last three months it started taking effect. I noticed myself becoming my old bubbly and energetic self.

I missed my laugh.

I missed finding joy in little moments.

I missed myself.

So why am I telling the world about this?

First, May is National Mental Health Awareness month.

Second, I was laying in bed last night and I felt an overpowering feeling that I need to be vulnerable about this topic. I felt like I had to open up my heart to help shed light into others' eyes. Even though I feel extremely exposed I wanted to share my story because I spent so much time thinking that I was the only one suffering and no one would understand.

It is okay to struggle with anxiety, depression and any other mental health illness. You are not alone. You are not inferior. You are not weak.

You are human.

Whether you are struggling or you have a loved one who is, remember to be kind, understanding and become a part to try to change the stigma about mental health.

SONG FOR POST: Soon You’ll Get Better by Taylor Swift and The Chicks