Healing and Hungry: A Birthday in Recovery

Happy Birthday to you

Happy Birthday to you

Happy Birthday Dear Natalia

Happy Birthday to you

I celebrated my 24th birthday on April 30th.

That was the first time in a really long time that I didn’t look at my birthday cake and calculate how many calories I was consuming and how much I would have to restrict later that night.

Past birthdays have always been anxiety provoking.

It should be one of the happiest days of the year! Why did it cause me so much anxiety?

Because most celebrations have a food component, and food was a source of a lot of anxiety for me.

I was very nervous leading up to my birthday this year.

Of course I was excited because I looovveee a day all about me.

But I was nervous that as soon as I was put in front of a birthday cake my eating disorder would wiggle itself back to the forefront.

This of course was an irrational thought. My eating disorder was trying to sneak itself back in and convince me that all the hard work I have been putting in since March would simply crumble at the sight of a birthday cake.

I didn’t expect those thoughts about my birthday cake to pop up as often as they did.

My eating disorder was quick to tell me that those thoughts meant I was bad at recovery.

Wrong.

I think it’s normal that when you are put back in an environment or situation that was triggering for you while you were active in your eating disorder, that it causes a little bit of anxiety at the start of your recovery journey.

Or maybe even throughout.

The important thing is doing the next right thing.

Not letting your intrusive thoughts dictate your actions.

I was not letting those thoughts rob me of my birthday!

I have come to realize that the busier I am, the less eating disorder thoughts flood my head. So I decided to pack my day with activities. I also made it a priority to have all my meals that day with someone I trusted and would support me.

You know who you are, thank you!

I truly enjoyed my day. I enjoyed the food but didn’t obsess over it. I celebrated myself.

My sweet mother ordered my favorite Brazilian foods and a cake.

A lemon blueberry cake. A cake that I would not shut up about for the past couple of months.

I think it’s easy to say that this was my favorite birthday yet.

I got the best gift I could’ve asked for.

Recovery.

Yes, I know it's so cheesy!!! But it’s true

Last year, I could’ve never imagined receiving that gift.

And today sitting here, it’s my favorite.

I am proud of twenty-three old Natalia for getting the help she needed so that twenty-four year old Natalia could enjoy her birthday cake.

And enjoy the birthday cakes in the years to come.

Song for post: Happy Birthday

Thank you to the people that made me feel so loved on my birthday and supported me through the hardest moments of my life. Cheers to many more birthday cakes!!!