Healing and Hungry: My Values vs. Annie's Values

I value honesty, forgiveness, independence, mindfulness, self knowledge, friendship, family, and inner peace. To live a full and meaningful life, I believe you have to be led by those values.

Yet, when I was active in my eating disorder, I didn’t live by any of those values.

Eating disorders rob you of many things.

And they distance you from a lot of things.

They force you to live by rules you would’ve never made and forgive behaviors you would’ve never let slide.

Honesty is extremely important to me. I expect everyone in my life to be honest with me and in return I’ll be honest with them. It demonstrates respect towards another person. It is the bare minimum you should expect from someone in your life.

I was extremely dishonest when I was active in my eating disorder.

I would lie about the last time I ate. I lied about how many meals I had eaten that day. I would say whatever my eating disorder wanted me to so I could keep it alive.

It was toxic.

Forgiveness is extremely important to me. I believe that when you live holding grudges you only hurt yourself. It is inevitable that people will do me wrong. But I refuse to accept that harboring anger towards those who do me wrong is an effective use of my energy.

I held grudges when I was active in my eating disorder.

Irritation and impatience came quickly. When people did me dirty, I would become fixated on what happened and refuse to let go. I wasted so much energy on grudges.

Inner peace is extremely important to me. Everyone tells me I radiate calm vibes. But truthfully, I was the opposite of calm.

I was in a constant state of inner turmoil when I was active in my eating disorder.

My mind raced with irrational thoughts. I felt so agitated. It felt like I was running a marathon. It was exhausting.

My family and friends are extremely important to me. They are the greatest support system. They make me happy and they lift me up when I am sad. They are great listeners that give great advice. They provide me love and security.

But I chose isolation when I was active in my eating disorder.

Like a crab into its shell, I would retreat into myself when my eating disorder was brewing. Without my support system, my eating disorder would leech off of me and thrive. My eating disorder made sure to distance myself from everyone I loved.

I felt like someone else was directing my life and I was just letting it happen. I felt completely out of control. My eating disorder made me act like the furthest thing from myself

The thing is, your eating disorder is not you.

Let’s say that again.

The eating disorder is not you.

An eating disorder is like a second person cohabiting your body. Therapists suggest externalizing them, and renaming them something else.

My eating disorder is named Annie (short for anorexia). And she was an extremely toxic friend.

My point is, you cannot live out your core values in life if you’re active in your eating disorder. It simply is not possible. I could not live out my core values while in a relationship with Annie.

Annie does not value honesty, forgiveness, independence, mindfulness, self knowledge, friendship, family, or inner peace.

I do.

Since starting treatment, I have come to realize that Annie and I share opposite core values. I’ve also realized that she made me follow her values instead of my own.

I told ya, she was toxic! No one deserves a friend like that.

The more I distanced myself from Annie, the clearer I could see my values again. The more I began to feel like myself again. Writing this post today, it feels incredible to have regained control of my life, living by the core values I hold close to my heart.

So I end this post with a question for you:

Are you living by your core values?

SONG FOR POST: We Are Never Getting Back Together by Taylor Swift