Healing and Hungry: Pink is my recovery color!

Pink is my recovery color.

When I wear pink I feel powerful, beautiful, vibrant and strong. I feel my best in pink.

When going through treatment for an eating disorder the idea of body image comes up a lot. I mean, honestly it comes up a lot in our society nowadays. In my opinion body image correlates to self-confidence and self-esteem. One may assume these all mean the same thing but they are in fact different. Self-Confidence is how you project yourself to the world while Self-Esteem is how you see yourself.

Can you have high self-confidence and low self-esteem?

Speaking from personal experience, I would say yes!

Obviously, that can fluctuate. For example, you’re having a really good hair day today. Which makes you feel really good about yourself so you walk with your head a little higher, smile more and project confidence to others. Or you could be feeling really crappy about yourself today for x,y and z reasons. But you fake it until you make it and still project confidence to others.

This idea has been huge in treatment so far. I would say that before going to treatment my self-esteem and self-confidence were fine. But in treatment your body starts changing. All for great reasons. All for healthy reasons. But it starts changing.

And guess what? I hate change

I knew my body was going to change. That’s a given. I’m fueling my body with food now, something that had become foreign for me. Why is it still so hard to watch it change when I know I am doing the right thing? Am I less beautiful now?

I put on a pair of jeans the other day. One of my favorites that always made me feel good. When I used to wear those jeans I had to wear a belt and fasten it pretty tight. I’m talking past the allotted holes that the belt gives you. They also were loose around my thighs.

Three days ago I put those jeans on.

And they were tight.

Like they fit me without me having to wear a belt. And they hugged my legs in the right places. And made it hard to breathe when I sat down.

Uhmm what’s going on??

I wasn’t sure how to feel. Part of me hated the idea of not having to strap that belt on me. Part of me loved how much healthier I looked in them. So many mixed emotions. I knew I was gaining weight because I was told I was progressing in the right direction, but having your favorite pair of jeans barely fit you, that was surreal. I’m positive that throughout this journey I am going to find many other items that no longer fit me.

And guess what? That’s okay!

Bodies are meant to change throughout your life. You are not going to look like what you did when you were a teenager forever. As a woman that wants to be a mother someday, I can’t expect my body to look the same pre-pregnancy and post pregnancy. And that’s okay. That’s actually more than okay. It’s beautiful.

I am trying to embrace all the changes my body is going through right now. After all this body is my home and it does so much for me. It deserves to be nourished and loved. Some days are harder than others. Some days I am meaner to myself than others. You can’t change how you view yourself over night. But you can make little steps to help you see how the rest of the world sees you.

The world sees you as powerful, beautiful, vibrant and strong.

Which brings me back to the idea of a recovery color. I made this up (or least I think I did. I haven’t heard of it anywhere else) to help me when I am having bad body image days and low self-esteem. The idea is that you pick a color. A color that when you wear you feel unstoppable. A color that makes you feel on top of the world. A color that makes you feel beautiful. A color that makes you look at yourself in the mirror and be a little nicer to yourself.

My recovery color is Pink!

What’s your recovery color?

SONG FOR POST: Hunger by Florence and The Machine